I write in English sometimes because it feels more organic in the moment. 2 years ago I wrote this in a depressed state:
„Monday, February 29, 2016
It pisses me off that I have gained 15 kilograms, that I stopped eating healthy, that I am unfit.
When I have the feeling I know something it just vanishes, that pisses me off, too.
I have the feeling that I cannot trust one person in my government and the media. It pisses me off when my teachers try to sell me that my nation is not in any way responsible for the war in the world, that we’re always the good ones.
It pisses me off when I know I am lied to and the next moment I think maybe it’s true, maybe I AM crazy. Or Maybe I am just too stupid to see the big picture.
It pisses me off that we’re going to euthanize our dog tomorrow. We had her for 13 good years. And I fear I might forget her after she will have passed away. Like I did when my grandmother died. I loved her but when she was gone, she was just gone. She was that person, I know I loved deeply, but I cannot tell why anymore because it seems I’ve just forgotten her. That is loss, right? It’s not just me and it’s not heartless, right? Right?
So, my illness got worse three years ago. It’s not deadly or overly painful. But it’s constantly annoying and it makes my life really unpleasant at times. It pisses me off that it brings up the worst in me and destroys my built up confidence over and over again.
And yeah, I don’t sleep very well. Which pisses me off, obviously.
I developed this habit of making great demands of myself which now makes me think that I am a shitty person, because I’m not always smart, deligent, polite, nice, careful, unique, emotional, down to earth, politically correct or unprejudiced and I feel like I’m starting to actually be a shitty person. I let everything hang loose, do not focus on school anymore, don’t go out anymore, put my friends off and do nothing but lose myself in a fantasy world.
It pisses me off that I’m trying, I am trying so hard in my head, but my body won’t obey.
It pisses me off that I am a whining clichè of a selfullfilling prophecy.
And it pisses me off that I feel helpless, that I am not a better writer, musician, artist, to express exactly how I feel.
AND it pisses me off how much I love ‚Homeland‘. Because that show is one hell of a depressor.
And now I just feel pathetic.
Someone please show me the way out.“
I will try to dissect how things have changed paragraph by paragraph in another post.